Saturday, March 8, 2014

Life Lessons About Men

I walked in the bedroom this morning and found a wet towel lying on our bed. I picked it up and walked into the bathroom where Mr. B was combing his beard. As I dramatically hung his towel on the rack - where it belongs - I said, "You know, I read a blog the other day about marriage. One of the top ten things they suggested wives should do is forgive easily. I get it now. I need to forgive you everyday for driving me literally crazy with your careless habits."

He laughed. Not the response I was looking for. He is lucky I take marriage advice seriously.

Things I have learned about living with a man for the last 5 years of my life:

1. Always check their pant pockets before putting clothes in the laundry. Guaranteed there is something in there that doesn't belong in the washer. First example: chapstick. I just spent the last 25 minutes of my life scrubbing melted chapstick spots out of 5 shirts with a toothbrush and Dawn dish soap. Welcome to married life. Chapstick, however, isn't the only clothes-ruining item that has gone through our dryer. Pens are second on my list. I can't count how many shirts we wear that have some kind of ink stain. Mr. B's argument, "The person washing the clothes should be the one who checks the pockets!" I only agree when it involves money. Nine times out of ten, it doesn't.

2. Get used to picking up their clothes. It doesn't matter how many times you ask - nicely or with a raised voice - they won't ever put their clothes in the hamper. I still ask though. And I still yell. And I still nag. Maybe by our 10 year anniversary that will stop. This same lesson also applies to dishes. I swear he doesn't know we own a dishwasher.

3. Men can't sit still. Well mine can't. And we are never on the same lazy schedule. Ever. When I want to lay on the couch and waste my day watching mindless television recorded on the DVR, he is in the background saying, "We never do anything! Humph!" That is always my cue to ask, "Well what do you want to do? Besides camp?" Because no matter how much he tries, I am not camping when it's 5 degrees below zero. Ever.

4.  Men don't have patience. When you ask your husband to do something, it could be minutes, hours, days or weeks before it gets done. Or never actually - refer back to lesson #2. Yet, when they ask you to do something, they expect it...right that second. Example, our microwave broke on Friday, so we tried installing our new one tonight. There are some projects men and women are not meant to do together, and replacing an over-the-range microwave is one of them. He yelled, "assistant" close to 13 times throughout the process, while I was in the other room, scrubbing the said chapstick stains. I must not have been a very good assistant because it's now two hours later and the microwave is sitting on our living room floor and Mr. B has given up until tomorrow.

5. Listen to them, when it comes to home improvement projects. Perhaps it contradicts the example above, but men usually know what they are talking about when it comes to tools and they are usually right. Mr. B's famous words, "If you are going to do it, do it right!" In other words, don't half a$s it - don't take short cuts, or skip the primer, or drill holes without measuring. In the end, you'll spend more time having your husband fix the mistakes you made and listening to him say, "I told you so." Which we all know are famous last words that no significant other wants to hear, yet words we all love to say.

I am fairly confident Mr. B could come up with a list of 5 (or more) lessons he has learned since living with a woman, but that's why I'm the writer around here, and he isn't - we never need to know those!

The washer just shut off so I am off to see if my pinterest remedy actually worked.

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