Thursday, March 27, 2014

Fear

There's something you might not know about me that my husband, my closest girlfriends, and my neighbors already know: I live in fear.

I live with a man who would jump out of a plane every day if he could; be dropped out of a helicopter (on skis) at the top of a twenty thousand foot mountain; take a space shuttle to Mars; and live in a tent in the middle of the wilderness. Me on the other hand, well, I wouldn't choose to do any of those things because I'm afraid of heights, helicopters, space, and the wild. Don't get me wrong, I am spontaneous and like to try new things, but never again will I be dropped from a rip cord (at an amusement park) that has me free falling for 15 seconds. Sorry Mr. B, I was only trying to impress you back then. You'd really have to twist my arm to get me on a helicopter and especially on skis. If I survived the heli ride, I certainly wouldn't survive skiing to the bottom. The thought of space - the darkness alone is scary, but the potential of drifting off into the outer most layer of the universe is enough to make me need to breath into a paper bag (and I am on earth). And the wild. Well most of you are probably shaking your head at this one considering we camp a lot, but let's be honest, if Scott put me in a canvas tent, I'd probably be up all night thinking the wolves were going to eat me or the hitchhiker we passed on the way in would kidnap us. I will stick with my camper, which has a way more protection than a tent (at least that's what I tell myself).

***

We started watching True Detective this past weekend and for three days I was panicking about my impending visit to see my friend Andrea. She was given a temporary prison sentence recently. No am kidding, kind of. She's expecting twin boys and has been put on hospital bed rest for the remainder of her pregnancy. It totally sucks, but she's rocking it, and will hopefully have two beautiful, healthy baby boys in 4-6 weeks! Anyway, all I kept imagining was the spaghetti face with green ears attacking me in the hospital parking garage. So I came prepared. I packed a knife.

Relax, it was to cut a block of cheddar cheese in her room.

I lied. That was half the reason. The second half was to protect me on my walk back to the car. I made the mistake of announcing that to my girlfriends and one of them almost got me patted down and banned from the hospital for life. Maybe I should reconsider my friend status?

What it comes down to is: TV is bad for my imagination. I try to stay away from most cop/detective dramas, and watch light hearted things like Adam Levine on the Voice, the Property Brothers on HGTV, and even the awfully rude contestants on the Bachelor/ette. But when I do happen to get drawn into the suspenseful episodes of Bluebloods or the news before bed, my mind takes over and I imagine every terrible person on this planet breaking into my house.

Thankfully my neighbors understand my fears. In fact, after meeting them for the first time 4 years ago I asked if they slept with their cell phone ringers on? They looked at me like I was nuts and I finished by saying, "Well if someone breaks into my house, I am calling you before I call the cops. You live ten feet away from my house, whereas the cops live 5 miles." The next day a neighbor delivered a fork to my front door. A fork, where each prong was bent, so it could be used as a weapon. She suggested I keep it in my night stand, next to my pepper spray.

Speaking of pepper spray, I used to work for a company in the corrections industry. After touring a few jails (we'll save those stories for another post), I decided it was time to purchase some protection. I paid $20 and bought a bottle of pink pepper spray. The one with the keychain so it would be easily accessible. The man who sold it to me suggested I do a "test spray" - outside of course and not in the direction of any people - rather than wait for an emergency to use it for the first time. I stood on my porch step and aimed it towards the road. When the stream of pepper spray hit my roommates car instead of the road, I panicked and moved right in the direction of the mist that hadn't had enough time to fall to the ground yet. In case you didn't follow, I essentially sprayed myself! Since my "test spray" was a major fail, I made the decision to not put it on my key chain. My luck, it would be used against me instead of to protect me. Thank God for fork weapons!


I have a lot of other ridiculous things that I do around the house to prevent those said "intruders" but I can't give all of my secrets away. And especially not on this very public interweb. You never know who is reading.

What are your fears?

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